| I'm lost in my words, I don't know where I'm going. |
[entries|friends|calendar] |
|
|
[15 Mar 2006|04:46pm] |
as i was sitting in my plush chair, listening to quite possibly one of the most beautiful arrangements ever, i almost wept, which is unusual for me, because i don't think i've cried in months. i get close sometimes, but something always seems to stop me.
i found my fifth grade yearbook today, and brought it with me to peet's. as i looked longingly at all the faces i was so familiar with, i just wish that i could be there again. it made me so lonely looking at these pictures of people i'd known so long ago, most people i've stopped talking to - memories filled my mind. there was a best friend that moved without telling me, a best friend that stabbed me in the back, my boyfriend who used to skateboard to my house everyday after school, kids that are now drug dealers, or in jail, people that i wish i could see now. then i saw his picture, in fifth grade i never talked to him because i was intimidated i suppose, but i've found myself thinking about him everyday lately. we were never really friends, although we knew each other for 5 years, but the short time that we were close, was one of the best times of my life. i never thought that someone so hard, could have such a soft middle. he showed so much of himself to me. and normally i wouldn't be attracted to someone of his nature, but there was just something about him, which made me feel like i was on top of the world.. when i was with him, everyone liked me. he's gone now, just as almost everyone is.
today was a good day though, a relaxing day. i didn't have much work to do, but my therapist told me to write down a list of little things that make me happy so that i could look at them when i was sad, and remember that there are things good in my life, and so i did that, and this is what i came up with : smiles, pats on the back/shoulder, kisses on the cheek, good conversation, peets, when people talk to me, the kindness of strangers, quiet, care free times with no stress, seeing arpy, not being hungry, cigarettes while driving, secret gardens, milk and coffee, when people REALLY know what you're saying because they feel the same way, riding shotgun, sodoku, familiarity, quirks, vandalism, garuda, alliterations, when things rhyme, bubblah sparxxx, buying things without being carded, nonchalant flirtations, when people say " hey youuuu" ( in that way ), jason - when he listens to me, anyone when they listen to me, good hair days, comfotable clothes, going shoeless, and good music/films.
it's not that i am lonely, in a sense where i long for company of the opposite sex, because i'm not the type to wish i had a boyfriend, it's more that i feel alone constantly, and that i am battling with two sides of myself : the sociable and the misanthropic. i just wan't to feel like i am not doing everything in vain ( this journal ), that i am doing something, that i am something, and not nothing, and do nothing.
|
|
|
[27 Oct 2005|12:32pm] |
It's been a long time, now I'm coming back home.
I've been away now, oh, how I've been alone.
|
|
|
[22 Oct 2005|10:47pm] |
feeling scared today
write down "i am ok"
a hundred times the doctors say
I am ok
I am ok
I’m not ok
skin is crawling off
mopping the sweaty drops
sticking around for this shit
another day
another day
not another day
pink pill feels good
finally understood
take me in your warm, embrace
I am trying
I am trying
|
|
|
[25 Sep 2005|01:45pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
lucky and unhappy ( air ) |
] |
i dont' know what I am doing with my life.
all of a sudden everything has changed.
my life has changed very drastically since I went to hamilton.
all the time i have been looking for a certain person.
and when I got to hamitlon, i didn't look, they found me.
and one way or another, it led me to find something else.
something i've been looking for.
something i wouldn't have found, had i stayed at cleveland.
and now that i've found it, i have to decide what to do with it.
and had i just found that, and the others not found me, it would have been simple, but we all found eachother at the same time.
that makes it a bit complex. now that i have found it, there is a whole new set of choices.
and the thing is, had i found it before, it probably wouldn't have worked out the way it could now.
because it seems like I have changed right in the exact moment, to what everyone seems to have been looking for.
it's rather fascinating, but it also means i'm going to have to change myself further (though minutely).
but i've already started.
so it's a process begun
and that's how it ties into what i had first said.
and that's how my mind is circling the same ideas.
i always had this idea of love as something strong and meaningful.
and I had always previously tricked myself into thinking I was in love, but in the end stopped, because they weren't really what I was looking for. this is probably way too fast to decide if lskdklsd is what I am looking for, or infact love worthy, but for now he just intrigues me.
and he seems to be something good.
|
|
|
[20 Sep 2005|09:05pm] |
My feelings, much like a bear, have come out of hibernation, and once again, my love has been restored.
I don't know whether this is a good or a bad thing. It's been running through my brain all day. My moods change from happy, to frustrated very quickly.
School seems asthough it will be alright, although I can foresee drama in the near future, but of course this all lays in my own hands. it's so difficult to feel the same pain over and over again, and no matter how much I try to convince myself that nothing's there, the more I want it to be. I never know what to do with him. I'd rather not think about it, i'd rather not let it bother me.
|
|
|
[11 Aug 2005|02:45am] |
|
The only time I really feel like updating is when I am depressed. I haven't been writing lately, because I've been, for the most part happy. I guess this is a good and a bad thing.
|
|
|
[24 Jul 2005|09:50pm] |
I have no sympathy for you
You make me realise the who I am
I have no sympathy for thee
You make me realise the who I am not
Sympathy, sympathy
You want some, don't come to me
Don't try me for sympathy
I don't feel sorry for thee
You deserve to die
I have no adjectives for you
And have no feelings for the who you are
I feel no empathy for you
You make me realise the who I am not
You deserve to die
\\
\
I CANT FUCKING SOB ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR ANYMORE.
I CANT SOB UNDERNEATH THE TABLE.
I CANT SOB IN MY GREEN CHAIR.
I CANT SOB.
I CANT.
|
|
|
[20 Jul 2005|09:36pm] |
We've had this habit lately, me, Alex, Annie, everyone that I'm with, to make a wish at each time interval that repeats itself, like 11:11, or 12:12, etc.
Last night, every night, I always wish I could just be happy.
It's taken me a long time, and I'm trying so hard just to remember that you have so many problems too, maybe the biggest is that you and I are so much alike. I'm trying so hard just to forget about you. Just let things go and not smile at the things I hear because you're not talking about me. Try and remember how much I don't like you, so when you don't like me I don't feel so bad. Try to forget all the good times. you're not important to me.
GET THE FUCK OVER IT.
You disturb me, you hurt me, and you waste my time. You complicate my piece of mind. Maybe this once we could have helped each other, maybe we'll never talk again.
I may not seem quite right, but i'm not fucked, not quite.
I think Annie is the perfect boyfriend -- I'm with her everyday, and when I'm not with her, she calls me and tells me she loves me and misses me. She takes me out to lunch, and pays. occasionally she buys me presents. We share the same bed, and go skinny dipping together, and when she ditches me or doesn't come when she says she will, I get depressed.
She said something yesterday, about how I haven't mentioned how much I hate my mom lately, and she's right, I don't really think about hating my mom anymore, because I hate myself, and I spend all my time, wondering why I am not happy.
I can't stand being home alone at night anymore. When JC is here i'm really alone, because occasionally Alex and I will watch a video together.
I feel badly for myself, if I was someone else, and I met me, I'd cry.
|
|
|
[16 Jul 2005|02:05pm] |
When I heard those three chords start in my ears I was taken back, back to the first time I played it. In Alex's room, last summer on my old desktop. The volume was loud, and I was glad Alex wasn't home because that meant I could repeat it a few times.
That time in my life, sometime in October, those few days were so perfect. I was happy then, so happy that when I was with other people I'd make them happy. My happiness even made me attractive. Everything I had those few days were what I have been waiting for since then. ( and craving the last few weeks )
I don't even know how to be really happy anymore, I feel guilty when I'm happy, I'm actually afraid of being happy, because that means, when I go down, I have a farther way to fall. And I always fall.
My dad always says that I need to experience the lows in order to gain those real highs, but when are those real highs going to come? ( is that why I smoke marijuana? )
I'd like to think that things are getting better.. then in the back of my head, I still wonder, if they are just getting better to get worse.
I've lost my mind lately, not that I've gone mad, I just didn't use it at Cleveland, and I haven't been using it lately. It's become idle.
I haven't been myself lately, I look so different, feel so different. I don't even know who I see in the mirror. The last time I acted like myself, and really was convinced I was me, was last tuesday, with him. maybe this is because he has, in some way, become a part of me. ( and this frightens me. )
I keep hearing I am getting better looking, skinnier, older looking, but I still see ugly, and fat. Although, I know I'm getting older, and yes, maybe prettier, maybe skinnier, so I can't justify why I feel this way. I think you were happier, just better looking - confident, radiant. Something I doubt you are now.
I don't need to justify my self-worth with a man. I don't like in my drug dealer's car in Mexico. I don't fucking degrade myself. ( all references to an account made by a young woman I heard speak at an NA meeting I attended with Annie. )
I am not even sad right now, my best friend nadinne is coming over followed by Annie, Julia, and Anselem. Fucking hell, why do I do this to myself. ( I do it to myself, I do. And that's why it really hurts. )
|
|
|
[30 Jun 2005|02:50pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the last high - the dandy warhols. |
] |
it's funny to me, how I always find myself in the same position. wondering who is hurting more, and why can't we just get over it together so all of it can be gone. why can't any of us really just face what's bothering us, love, broken hearts maybe? instead of just covering it with hate for one another.
hate? maybe I do hate you. maybe if you loved me than I'd hate you, instead of possibly the other way around.
although I know what the answer is. I know that I have never loved you, or felt the same for you as I had for that one, the one that always came before you. I knew, all the times I was mean or cruel to you, that what I was doing was really following my heart. It does not make me miss you less, or want you.
because no matter how much I deny, the facets of our relationship really were more than just A and B. and I miss you calling me on the phone and making me laugh. fun, we always had fun. I do want to be near you, I want to be friends, although friends has never been a word to describe thisusthatthing.
why am I constantly wasting my time?
you fucking nazi.
Save The Walfins : waiting is so hard and the only things you ever have to wait for are ones that you want immediately
|
|
|
[15 Jun 2005|07:33pm] |
I like feeling nothing.
I feel the same again. I am so much the same inside it tears me apart, because the outside is different, changed have I not, just been better at hiding. I don't even know what bothers me more. STOP BEING FUCKING VAGUE, YOU FUCKING STUPID FUCK. YOU'RE NOT SMART ANYMORE. NOTHING WORKS.
Took a walk around the block, hoping that maybe this slight form of exercise would release endorphins and make me happy. I don't have a will to eat anymore, I feel better when I don't. But I do. I do.
I will be that person soon. Fat, The fat.
She looks out the window what a faggot she is, she thinks writing in the third person will make her sound smarter. people that write things just to sound smarter, are just insecure about their intelligence, which most of the time is very little because if it was high they wouldn't be doubting it in the first place.
My head feels like a thousand tons. it always gets this way.
Jean was commenting on a bobble-head on the way home, I wore a shirt that said Jean.
I haven't stopped typing for exactly 3 minutes.
I don't know what to say anymore. I'm stoned.
|
|
|
[15 Jun 2005|06:06pm] |
I clicked the update button with the intention of writing an entry, angsty and over-tired.
But, after hearing the words to a song, I managed to stop myself.
" Well I never pray, but tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now "
I really do have no reason to feel the way I do.
I have been enjoying myself lately.
On the weekends atleast.
The last week or so of school is always this way though, I suppose.
just waiting and waiting, I have been in the same grade since July. too long too long.
I can never write anymore, or I do write, but I end up just throwing it into a drawer, and filling this page with stupid banter.
I have ceased to exist? I feel absolutely nothing. the words are out of me.
The smell of my nail polish is nauseating. I should just pass out now.
" Kelsey, what do you do afterschool?"
"Sleep."
" Only depressed people sleep all day."
... "ok."
I can barely feel my throat.
I sing everyday, 3 hours or more.
practice practice practice.
I'm going to do fine at the show.
I hope.
Yeah.
I wish Karen would get out of my room.
|
|
| I WANT TO BE BIGGER, STRONGER, DRIVE A FASTER CAR. |
[02 Jun 2005|06:29pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Teenage love song - Rilo Kiley |
] |
" I would sit in my closet, and inject heroin, because I figured that way, even if my mom came in the room, I'd still have time to take out the needle, clean my arm, and hide the stuff. "
I am so sick of my routine now, although I wish things would come back.
I miss Estelle a lot, and north hollywood. I wrote about it, but I can't find it.
I miss being friends with Annie and Kat and Estelle.
I miss going out with people after school.
I have nothing to do anymore.
I eat.
or sit at the computer.
Can't exercise today because it's too cold.
just sit.
maybe I'll sit in my closet.
maybe.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow because I have a test on Romeo and Juliet. I like it because I know I will get an A, also a test on drugs in health, I'll ace that too.
Friday.
It's lost, all days are lost.
I will like saturday though.
Blank blank blank blank blank blank blank
why can't I do anything.
what is missing.
what is missing.
what is missing.
Time for me to sleep.
Sleep everything off.
I don't have anything be
tter
to
d
o
tha
n
s
leep
.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
casual_amnesia's journal
