I'm lost in my words, I don't know where I'm going.

casual_amnesia @ 2006-03-15T16:46:00

2006-03-16T00:48:13Z

as i was sitting in my plush chair, listening to quite possibly one of the most beautiful arrangements ever, i almost wept, which is unusual for me, because i don't think i've cried in months. i get close sometimes, but something always seems to stop me.

i found my fifth grade yearbook today, and brought it with me to peet's. as i looked longingly at all the faces i was so familiar with, i just wish that i could be there again. it made me so lonely looking at these pictures of people i'd known so long ago, most people i've stopped talking to - memories filled my mind. there was a best friend that moved without telling me, a best friend that stabbed me in the back, my boyfriend who used to skateboard to my house everyday after school, kids that are now drug dealers, or in jail, people that i wish i could see now. then i saw his picture, in fifth grade i never talked to him because i was intimidated i suppose, but i've found myself thinking about him everyday lately. we were never really friends, although we knew each other for 5 years, but the short time that we were close, was one of the best times of my life. i never thought that someone so hard, could have such a soft middle. he showed so much of himself to me. and normally i wouldn't be attracted to someone of his nature, but there was just something about him, which made me feel like i was on top of the world.. when i was with him, everyone liked me. he's gone now, just as almost everyone is.

today was a good day though, a relaxing day. i didn't have much work to do, but my therapist told me to write down a list of little things that make me happy so that i could look at them when i was sad, and remember that there are things good in my life, and so i did that, and this is what i came up with : smiles, pats on the back/shoulder, kisses on the cheek, good conversation, peets, when people talk to me, the kindness of strangers, quiet, care free times with no stress, seeing arpy, not being hungry, cigarettes while driving, secret gardens, milk and coffee, when people REALLY know what you're saying because they feel the same way, riding shotgun, sodoku, familiarity, quirks, vandalism, garuda, alliterations, when things rhyme, bubblah sparxxx, buying things without being carded, nonchalant flirtations, when people say " hey youuuu" ( in that way ), jason - when he listens to me, anyone when they listen to me, good hair days, comfotable clothes, going shoeless, and good music/films.

it's not that i am lonely, in a sense where i long for company of the opposite sex, because i'm not the type to wish i had a boyfriend, it's more that i feel alone constantly, and that i am battling with two sides of myself : the sociable and the misanthropic. i just wan't to feel like i am not doing everything in vain ( this journal ), that i am doing something, that i am something, and not nothing, and do nothing.

casual_amnesia @ 2005-10-27T12:32:00

2005-10-27T19:33:21Z

It's been a long time, now I'm coming back home.
I've been away now, oh, how I've been alone.

casual_amnesia @ 2005-10-22T22:47:00

2005-10-23T05:47:56Z

feeling scared today
write down "i am ok"
a hundred times the doctors say

I am ok
I am ok
I’m not ok

skin is crawling off
mopping the sweaty drops
sticking around for this shit

another day
another day
not another day

pink pill feels good
finally understood
take me in your warm, embrace
I am trying
I am trying

casual_amnesia @ 2005-10-16T17:50:00

2005-10-17T00:50:46Z

kobi aka inu, died today. ( august 24, 2001 - october 16, 2005 )
for those of you who didn't know him, he was a good dog. one of the best.

casual_amnesia @ 2005-09-25T13:45:00

2005-09-25T20:52:47Z

i dont' know what I am doing with my life.
all of a sudden everything has changed.
my life has changed very drastically since I went to hamilton.
all the time i have been looking for a certain person.
and when I got to hamitlon, i didn't look, they found me.
and one way or another, it led me to find something else.
something i've been looking for.
something i wouldn't have found, had i stayed at cleveland.
and now that i've found it, i have to decide what to do with it.
and had i just found that, and the others not found me, it would have been simple, but we all found eachother at the same time.
that makes it a bit complex. now that i have found it, there is a whole new set of choices.
and the thing is, had i found it before, it probably wouldn't have worked out the way it could now.
because it seems like I have changed right in the exact moment, to what everyone seems to have been looking for.
it's rather fascinating, but it also means i'm going to have to change myself further (though minutely).
but i've already started.
so it's a process begun
and that's how it ties into what i had first said.
and that's how my mind is circling the same ideas.

i always had this idea of love as something strong and meaningful.
and I had always previously tricked myself into thinking I was in love, but in the end stopped, because they weren't really what I was looking for. this is probably way too fast to decide if lskdklsd is what I am looking for, or infact love worthy, but for now he just intrigues me.
and he seems to be something good.

casual_amnesia @ 2005-09-20T21:05:00

2005-09-21T04:12:34Z

My feelings, much like a bear, have come out of hibernation, and once again, my love has been restored.
I don't know whether this is a good or a bad thing. It's been running through my brain all day. My moods change from happy, to frustrated very quickly.

School seems asthough it will be alright, although I can foresee drama in the near future, but of course this all lays in my own hands. it's so difficult to feel the same pain over and over again, and no matter how much I try to convince myself that nothing's there, the more I want it to be. I never know what to do with him. I'd rather not think about it, i'd rather not let it bother me.

casual_amnesia @ 2005-08-11T02:45:00

2005-08-11T09:45:50Z

The only time I really feel like updating is when I am depressed. I haven't been writing lately, because I've been, for the most part happy. I guess this is a good and a bad thing.

casual_amnesia @ 2005-07-24T21:50:00

2005-07-25T04:50:54Z

I have no sympathy for you
You make me realise the who I am
I have no sympathy for thee
You make me realise the who I am not

Sympathy, sympathy
You want some, don't come to me
Don't try me for sympathy
I don't feel sorry for thee
You deserve to die

I have no adjectives for you
And have no feelings for the who you are
I feel no empathy for you
You make me realise the who I am not

You deserve to die
\\
\

I CANT FUCKING SOB ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR ANYMORE.

I CANT SOB UNDERNEATH THE TABLE.

I CANT SOB IN MY GREEN CHAIR.

I CANT SOB.

I CANT.

casual_amnesia @ 2005-07-20T21:36:00

2005-07-21T04:47:58Z

We've had this habit lately, me, Alex, Annie, everyone that I'm with, to make a wish at each time interval that repeats itself, like 11:11, or 12:12, etc.

Last night, every night, I always wish I could just be happy.

It's taken me a long time, and I'm trying so hard just to remember that you have so many problems too, maybe the biggest is that you and I are so much alike. I'm trying so hard just to forget about you. Just let things go and not smile at the things I hear because you're not talking about me. Try and remember how much I don't like you, so when you don't like me I don't feel so bad. Try to forget all the good times. you're not important to me.

GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

You disturb me, you hurt me, and you waste my time. You complicate my piece of mind. Maybe this once we could have helped each other, maybe we'll never talk again.

I may not seem quite right, but i'm not fucked, not quite.

I think Annie is the perfect boyfriend -- I'm with her everyday, and when I'm not with her, she calls me and tells me she loves me and misses me. She takes me out to lunch, and pays. occasionally she buys me presents. We share the same bed, and go skinny dipping together, and when she ditches me or doesn't come when she says she will, I get depressed.

She said something yesterday, about how I haven't mentioned how much I hate my mom lately, and she's right, I don't really think about hating my mom anymore, because I hate myself, and I spend all my time, wondering why I am not happy.

I can't stand being home alone at night anymore. When JC is here i'm really alone, because occasionally Alex and I will watch a video together.

I feel badly for myself, if I was someone else, and I met me, I'd cry.

casual_amnesia @ 2005-07-16T14:05:00

2005-07-16T21:22:33Z

When I heard those three chords start in my ears I was taken back, back to the first time I played it. In Alex's room, last summer on my old desktop. The volume was loud, and I was glad Alex wasn't home because that meant I could repeat it a few times.

That time in my life, sometime in October, those few days were so perfect. I was happy then, so happy that when I was with other people I'd make them happy. My happiness even made me attractive. Everything I had those few days were what I have been waiting for since then. ( and craving the last few weeks )

I don't even know how to be really happy anymore, I feel guilty when I'm happy, I'm actually afraid of being happy, because that means, when I go down, I have a farther way to fall. And I always fall.

My dad always says that I need to experience the lows in order to gain those real highs, but when are those real highs going to come? ( is that why I smoke marijuana? )

I'd like to think that things are getting better.. then in the back of my head, I still wonder, if they are just getting better to get worse.

I've lost my mind lately, not that I've gone mad, I just didn't use it at Cleveland, and I haven't been using it lately. It's become idle.

I haven't been myself lately, I look so different, feel so different. I don't even know who I see in the mirror. The last time I acted like myself, and really was convinced I was me, was last tuesday, with him. maybe this is because he has, in some way, become a part of me. ( and this frightens me. )

I keep hearing I am getting better looking, skinnier, older looking, but I still see ugly, and fat. Although, I know I'm getting older, and yes, maybe prettier, maybe skinnier, so I can't justify why I feel this way. I think you were happier, just better looking - confident, radiant. Something I doubt you are now.

I don't need to justify my self-worth with a man. I don't like in my drug dealer's car in Mexico. I don't fucking degrade myself. ( all references to an account made by a young woman I heard speak at an NA meeting I attended with Annie. )

I am not even sad right now, my best friend nadinne is coming over followed by Annie, Julia, and Anselem. Fucking hell, why do I do this to myself. ( I do it to myself, I do. And that's why it really hurts. )

casual_amnesia @ 2005-06-30T14:50:00

2005-06-30T21:57:07Z

it's funny to me, how I always find myself in the same position. wondering who is hurting more, and why can't we just get over it together so all of it can be gone. why can't any of us really just face what's bothering us, love, broken hearts maybe? instead of just covering it with hate for one another.

hate? maybe I do hate you. maybe if you loved me than I'd hate you, instead of possibly the other way around.

although I know what the answer is. I know that I have never loved you, or felt the same for you as I had for that one, the one that always came before you. I knew, all the times I was mean or cruel to you, that what I was doing was really following my heart. It does not make me miss you less, or want you.

because no matter how much I deny, the facets of our relationship really were more than just A and B. and I miss you calling me on the phone and making me laugh. fun, we always had fun. I do want to be near you, I want to be friends, although friends has never been a word to describe thisusthatthing.

why am I constantly wasting my time?

you fucking nazi.

Save The Walfins : waiting is so hard and the only things you ever have to wait for are ones that you want immediately

casual_amnesia @ 2005-06-15T19:33:00

2005-06-16T02:39:52Z

I like feeling nothing.

I feel the same again. I am so much the same inside it tears me apart, because the outside is different, changed have I not, just been better at hiding. I don't even know what bothers me more. STOP BEING FUCKING VAGUE, YOU FUCKING STUPID FUCK. YOU'RE NOT SMART ANYMORE. NOTHING WORKS.

Took a walk around the block, hoping that maybe this slight form of exercise would release endorphins and make me happy. I don't have a will to eat anymore, I feel better when I don't. But I do. I do.

I will be that person soon. Fat, The fat.

She looks out the window what a faggot she is, she thinks writing in the third person will make her sound smarter. people that write things just to sound smarter, are just insecure about their intelligence, which most of the time is very little because if it was high they wouldn't be doubting it in the first place.

My head feels like a thousand tons. it always gets this way.

Jean was commenting on a bobble-head on the way home, I wore a shirt that said Jean.

I haven't stopped typing for exactly 3 minutes.

I don't know what to say anymore. I'm stoned.

casual_amnesia @ 2005-06-15T18:06:00

2005-06-16T01:14:04Z

I clicked the update button with the intention of writing an entry, angsty and over-tired.
But, after hearing the words to a song, I managed to stop myself.

" Well I never pray, but tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now "

I really do have no reason to feel the way I do.
I have been enjoying myself lately.

On the weekends atleast.

The last week or so of school is always this way though, I suppose.

just waiting and waiting, I have been in the same grade since July. too long too long.

I can never write anymore, or I do write, but I end up just throwing it into a drawer, and filling this page with stupid banter.

I have ceased to exist? I feel absolutely nothing. the words are out of me.

The smell of my nail polish is nauseating. I should just pass out now.

" Kelsey, what do you do afterschool?"

"Sleep."

" Only depressed people sleep all day."

... "ok."

I can barely feel my throat.
I sing everyday, 3 hours or more.
practice practice practice.

I'm going to do fine at the show.

I hope.

Yeah.

I wish Karen would get out of my room.

casual_amnesia @ 2005-06-06T18:36:00

2005-06-07T01:37:33Z

stared at that for a while, and began to feel ill.
Then started to want to do it myself.

I am happy today, I am happy with colin.

I WANT TO BE BIGGER, STRONGER, DRIVE A FASTER CAR.

2005-06-03T01:32:44Z

" I would sit in my closet, and inject heroin, because I figured that way, even if my mom came in the room, I'd still have time to take out the needle, clean my arm, and hide the stuff. "

I am so sick of my routine now, although I wish things would come back.

I miss Estelle a lot, and north hollywood. I wrote about it, but I can't find it.

I miss being friends with Annie and Kat and Estelle.

I miss going out with people after school.

I have nothing to do anymore.

I eat.

or sit at the computer.

Can't exercise today because it's too cold.
just sit.

maybe I'll sit in my closet.
maybe.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow because I have a test on Romeo and Juliet. I like it because I know I will get an A, also a test on drugs in health, I'll ace that too.

Friday.

It's lost, all days are lost.

I will like saturday though.

Blank blank blank blank blank blank blank
why can't I do anything.

what is missing.

what is missing.

what is missing.

Time for me to sleep.
Sleep everything off.

I don't have anything be
tter

to
d
o

tha
n
s
leep

.

casual_amnesia @ 2005-05-30T20:01:00

2005-05-31T03:04:52Z

Most of the time I have no reason to be depressed.
I have thus, deduced that I am a very irrational person.

In other news, today was a good day.

+++

11:09 PM.

I used to have this English teacher, Mr. Pickard at North Hollywood.
He always incorperated beer or woman/breasts into every lecture. Estelle and I used to make fun of him, and call him Mr. Borlin, after the television show Tool time, with Tim Allen, because he had a beard and always wore plaid shirts.

We used to have to write an essay every week, on some thing or another, and everytime I got one back, I'd recieve the same grade.. 14/15. He always made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I was almost there, but not quite.

The day I came back to sign out of his class the students were watching a film. He didn't look at me, and not one word did he say. He just signed my slip and continued to stare at the screen.

THERE ARE TWO COLORS IN MY HEAD.

2005-05-26T23:18:07Z

I plan on jumping out my window, running to the bus stop and getting on. Probably going to peet's.

YESTERDAY I WOKE UP SUCKING ON A LEMON.

mom's coming home.

changed my mind.

I was sat on my balcony, in the shade of a near by tree. in sunny los angeles, my laptop in my lap, playing 'there, there.' a cold coke with vanilla vodka to the right, and i realized..

this is probably how i'm going to spend the rest of my life.

+++

On the way home from school annie told her father that she had stopped using her bi-polar medication.

then we discussed this disorder.

" I don't think you're bi-polar kelsey, you're not manic.. I just think you're depressed."

I suppose she was right.

getting ' buzzed ', 'fucked up', 'drunk', 'stoned', 'faded', nothing changed the way that I felt.

Julia thinks that I put myself in a box, and trap myself. I make my self depressed because of the situations I put myself into. I don't quite understand why.

YESTERDAY I WOKE UP SUCKING ON A LEMON.

science hall was suicide hall, and strange was strangle. Ari thinks I want to kill myself.

Maybe I should stop saying what everyone else thinks and say what I think?

the thing is, I don't know what to think anymore.
I want to detatch my mind from body and vice versa.

YESTERDAY I WOKE UP SUCKING ON A LEMON.

I just want to sleep forever.

Mom's home.

+++

My head feels like a million pounds.

I am going to go sleep my life off.

THIS IS MY 100TH ENTRY.

2005-05-20T02:27:11Z

I lean back in my chair and feel a chill, the open vent staring at me.

I find myself moving my head and mouthing the words. To others I must appear so awkward.

+++

I took the Pre- high school exit exam today. It was 60 questions, all English related.
I think it's a requirement here to take the High school exit exam in 10th grade, I'm sure I'll pass.

The left side of my mouth is in such pain. I believe there is something wrong. My teeth are over crowded and forcing one of them out into my mouth. It just sort of leans there. I'm afraid now, I'll have to get braces. I don't want them, I loathe perfectly straight teeth, but I don't want permanent damage.

+++

Today, I finally looked at everyone in my class. I took a long hard look at their faces. Each one so different, so beautiful. We really take these sort of things for granted. Before Columbus arrived in the west indies, I'm sure he believed that everyone looked like the spaniards. There was a time when people believed that everyone looked the same, everyone had white skin, or dark. Growing up I saw every color, and it wasn't until now, that I really saw it for it's whole beauty. it's so amazing how everyone just looks so different. And I am here with 20 different colors, with a teacher from Mexico, when not even 30 years ago, I could only be taught by a white teacher. Come to think of it, I have only two white teachers out of six.

Still, so much racial prejudice, stereotyping, such as the idea that my neighbors should cheat off my test because I am white, thus meaning I am smart. Or the fact I think they're cheating off of me, because they're latino.

[ It wasn't false though, as I had come to learn after Nutrition, when they told me they had been cheating off me. ]

+++

Mr. Ramirez handed me a sheet, and told me to read it. it was an inventory of stress reducers. I got this warm feeling because it's nice to know that my teacher cares about me, out of all his many students. I told me to eat right, get enough sleep, stuff I had expected, but the last stood out. It was not written like the others, 13. GO TO YOUR FAVORITE PLACE. SEE IT, SMELL IT. HEAR IT.

immediately I thought of Peet's.

Another thing it was was: 10. Keep pictures of your favorite places and people in your room. Look at them and think about them when you need to relax and feel better.

Again, Peet's. Then I realized what I'd spend my money on. I'd buy a nice camera and take a picture of Peet's. One to do it justice.

It looks like a safe place, a haven, with beautiful people, holding books, and computers. Creativity swirls in the air along with the sweet aroma of fresh ground coffee. The slight sound of calm classical music, along with some quiet discussion and brief moments of city bustle when the door is swung open by another one of my people. The people at Peet's are my people. I know them without words.. The Blond woman that wears casual clothes and pink and green sneakers and has a young daughter. I saw her once outside of Peet's and we talked, said " Hello, how have you been? " as if we'd known eachother for a long time. Then there was the sophisticated tall European looking man. He'd always dress sharply and read books. I always sort of admired his sense of style, and imagined him living in some large modern house in the hills.

Then the workers, Matthew, who I have had a crush on after seeing him for the first time, sitting alone in the rain smoking a cigarette. He was sort of british looking and reminded me of Johnny Greenwood. He looked especially good in his brown button up vintage-y shirt. After not being there for a whiile, he greeted me with a large smile that gave me butterflies. He was happy to see me, and that made me happy.

Jeremiah is the quietest one, probably the youngest too. He is tall and slender and sports shoulder length brown curly hair, and has piercing blue eyes. I've always thought of saying something witty to him, along the lines of " so, you're a bull frog? ". No, that's stupid. Well I guess that's why I have yet to talk to him.

Then there is Ginger, she's the nicest one. She has tattoos all over and more than 15 piercings. She always jokes with me and tells me stories, and shuns my father when I am not at school. When I want to try something different, she makes me a suprise, and if I don't like it, she'll make me something else. I always like it.

There's also the other brunette fellow with blue eyes, I don't know his name, but he's almost always there, and he complimented me on my new haircut before my good friends even noticed it.

New people work there, around 5, but I don't know their names. There is also the oldest man, with the grey hair, Frank, I don't really like him. He always seems annoyed or worried, and I can never tell if he likes me or not because he never laughs at anything I say.

+++

I turned on HTTT and I remembered how the other night my dad told me he's pay 3,000$ fpr the best seats at the next Radiohead concert. I laughed.

" No you wouldn't" I said, " you hate them. "
" yes I would, you know why? because I love you...... and I'd wear earplugs."

Hm.. men listening to Radiohead because they love me.. how strange and uncommon. </sarcasm>

+++

It felt like a movie as I made my way from familiar Q, where I had spent 4 hours a day for the past 4 days. Guitars were extensions of my legs, and each step was a chord. ' It was one of those days, and the sky was real Californ-i-a blue. '

+++

New layout casual_amnesia , it took me quite some time, but time is what I have.

casual_amnesia @ 2005-05-18T21:58:00

2005-05-19T05:01:05Z

I meant to type strange, but instead wrote strangle.

subconscious?

+++

I am so upset about my hair, I feel as though everywhere I go, it draws attention, people are looking. Teachers and faculty are judging me, based on the color of my hair. I can't stand it. My mom is mad that she spent forty dollars on dye. I just want it to be all black again. I feel so juvenile with green and turquoise.

+++

When I was very little, there used to be this boy Max thats I used to play with frequently. He used to live across the way in the apartment building. At this age, my parents seemed to believe I was hypoglycemic and having anny kind of sugar would cause me to go crazy and cry. Once Max had a birthday party, and since I had not been fed any sugar at home went to the party and grabbed what sweets I could from the large bowls. Chocolates, gummies, goopies, and gooeys. Hours later I came home with a headache and threw up for hours.

Last Thursday morning I got to whole foods, and grabbed the first beautiful, delicate il fornaio cinnamon twist, once I got to second period I was sent to the nurse urgently by my health teacher because I couldn't hold a pencil, I was shaking so violently.

+++

I had just finished the math portion of my first standardized test.

Almost an hour early.

I guessed on 21/36, I'm sure.

it's alright if I did poorly. as long as I received high marks in english.

+++

First time I brought Llyod to school, I plan on doing so more often.

PLUG IN. RECHARGE. REST.

+++

Something I had to do after school, can't recall now.

Lielielielielielie.

Making money honey?

I lost my check for 90$. Dad will take care of it tomorrow while I'm at school.
Got 50$ today.

+++

Alex is bitter. I don't stay home. he just yells, I understand.

We used to fight terribly, but I'd, in the end, always feel bad for him because he was overweight and he got enough teasing at school. Now, I'm the overweight one.

One time at night he had hit me or teased me, and me, being a seven year old girl, wanted to get him back. I went into the bathroom, and rubbed soap into the bristles of his toothbrush. Not three minutes later I went back, and cried, and washed it off, because I remembered some years before how he had been so kind to me.

I will never forget the night I first watched the movie leprechaun. Max, Alex and I. At the end I was so horrified, but Alex came over and took a wash cloth and rubbed it all over me. He explained to m e that it was magic, and since his name was Alex, and the boy who killed the leprechaun in the movie's name was Alex, it would protect me. How silly it sounds now, but I believed him. I used to think that there was a leprechaun that followed me around in the dark, and it wasn't until just recently, that I closed my eyes while in the shower.

Most of the time I wish he werent here though. He causes me un-necissary stress, and he's not meant to be in California. I will always sort of pity him though, for a reason I am not so sure. He isn't fat anymore, nor teased by pupils. Tormented maybe..

Sometimes I feel he is very unhealthy. I think he really need JC to function. She pushes him the way he needs. She is organized, and driven.

I don't know why I keep going on about him.. Most of the time I don't like him. He's mean, and blunt, and all he ever does is yell at my father, but then, I feel guilty about not liking him -- even thinking about not liking him -- and get an overwhelming sad feeling.

+++

If I didn't go to school, my parents would be saving atleast 60$ a wee. 60$ I could have and use.

+++

I want to open my own school.
Be reasonably less expensive than most private schools. [has to be private so I can make my own rules, and accept only who I want.}
Have interesting classes, and teachers, and short days.

Many will wish to attend, but few will be accepted. Less than 50 students per grade.

+++

I have lost my patience for most everyone lately, except Ari probably, and Nadinne.

+++

Reading back on old entries makes me wish I weren't in school now. Things are a lot clearer, and I have so much time to think. It will be like that again soon.

[but more time to think also means thinking of what I am not doing]

+++

I dont fucking care for you anymore.
You disgust me.

+++

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes.

casual_amnesia @ 2005-05-15T13:19:00

2005-05-15T20:25:16Z

When I turn on my computer, it automatically logs me into iChat.

I find myself just staring at the box, accept message?
no.

I let people say hello, how are you, how was your night, was your weekend fun?
but I dont answer, because I will say, hi, it was bad, i am lost, and i don't know what to do.
and i don't care about your problems, or how much fun you had this weekend getting drunk or stoned stupid, with hot males/females.

i just sit.

everything seems okay sometimes, when i just sit.

standing up, might cause things to fall over.

annie wants to run away with me.
i want to run away, but there's no where to go, for two little girls with 400$.
plus, things might be bad here, but at least i am not in danger 24/7.

my mind is so blank.

I need to fix things, I need to do something for myself today.
something that will last.

I wont let this happen to my children.

2005-04-21T04:36:03Z

I came home upset, so I decided to leave. It was 4:20 on 4/20, what did I have? Nothing.

I knew the bus would come in 17 minutes. I waited on the corner by myself. I watched as each person drove by in their cars, men don't do other things while driving, women talk on their cell phones, apply make-up, always fiddling.

My dad called, "I'm in the bathroom", I said.

I got on the bus, whenever I get on the bus alone I sit next to a woman or a white person. Why? Maybe I am racist, maybe I'm afraid.

A scene couple came on at the next stop. They sat right across from me. It made me uncomfortable, so I just took out my pen and notebook and started writing. non sense mostly.

I looked up and realized that I was on Fulton. I was on Kat's street. I started writing in cursive because I didn't want people to read what I was writing. I was just paranoid.

Everyone was speaking a different language. It was all strange and foreign to me, so I sort of half listened. I think it was some hebrew and spanish.

I wanted to write something but I couldn't. I could hear her chewing gum next to me. Loud. Squish squish, it was mint. She touched my finger. Oh how I hated being touched. When we stopped at the next stop I wanted to move, but I didn't want her to take offense. I moved. I can't stand when there are lots of empty seats and someone decides to sit directly next to you.

She spoke to me, although it wasnt much word. She touched my hand and persisted to touch me and point to my notebook, mumbling, sort of, asking me something about my notebook I assume. I just smiled and nodded, two things quite universal. I guess she understood, and smiled too. Maybe she was just smiling because I acknowledged her.

I got off at the last stop and walked quickly to peets, so quickly that is seemed more as if I were gliding.

A man served me today. I'd never seen him before. He referred to me as "ma'am", I bet he calls everyone "ma'am".

I was standing in D hall today, just before the bell was going to ring for 6th period, contemplating whether or not to ditch. I was walking back and forth, then the bell rang, I decided to just go to class, right as I was about to knock on the door of my classroom I spotted Daniel. Daniel works as an assistant in the book room for 6th period and told me I could join him. We must have been sitting in the back for 30 minutes when the two women who worked there came back. They told us that there was no kissing allowed back there, I told them no such thing was happening, and they left us alone. Daniel told me how queer that was, because usually they don't go to the back, and if they do, it's only one of them and not both. I don't think I'd ever kiss Daniel, although he's made it quite evident that he'd enjoy kissing me.

I can't put the way I feel into words eloquently enough for me to state them now, maybe later, but for now I will simply just recall bits and pieced of things today. If certain people didn't read this maybe I would be less censored. That's sort of why I have been making lots of friends only posts.

I got up from writing to grab a few tissues ( I think I am in the early stages of a cold ) and our eyes met. I think I told Alex once of the sort of crush I had on Matthew. He told me to go for it, but I don't think I ever could. He's more a dark, mysterious coffee shop crush I'd like to keep dark and mysterious.

not so mysterious - my crush on Anselem. I had a dream of him last night, but I think I've come to realize that his heart belongs to the sweet Mary Jane. There is nothing I can do about this.

I ran a mile in 8:20 today. It was the best time I had ever gotten in my life. I began to feel warm, as if my throat and chest were one, and on fire. My heart was racing and I'm sure I was close to passing out. Thank goodness for Warren Quat and small miracles.

Why is it that what is bothering me the only thing I can't say. ( I hardly think that made sense )

Peet's made me happy today, it made me free. I haven't had anything to do after school, and being at home on the computer isn't all too satisfying. I moved to one of the high seats in the window. I liked it there because I could see everything that was happening. I spent four months there, and I don't think that'll end anytime soon.

I got a large Jasmine-Lime iced tea, a seasonal drink that I wait every summer to enjoy. The winter months are boring and dull without it and I usually just get coffee.

There she went, the lady that touched me on the bus, the lady with no words. Her long skinny legs in purple slacks, and her feet in clean black shoes.

I turned around to find that Matthew was interviewing a girl. He looked straight at me, so I turned back.

I was thinking lots of school and about what has been bothering me so greatly, but I can't. I have to silence such things.

Jose was going to ask me out today. Steven said he shouldn't because I am a white jew, and I don't date mexicans. Not true. I wouldn't have said no to Jose because he was Mexican; I wouldn't have said yes because I don't like him.

One of the things I like about the punk boys at school is that one of them will always go with me to 7 11 after school, even if I don't really know them. Friday and Tuesday I went with Ed. I think I've probably grown to like him the most out of all of them. Although I am fond of most of them, Ed will always talk and listen to me, and he never leaves me out of anything. I don't think Kat can't see the good in any of them, maybe she just doesn't want to.

There is more, but I can't write it here. I can't write it.
I don't do much anymore, nothing much but worry if any college will accept me.

casual_amnesia @ 2005-04-19T17:53:00

2005-04-20T01:03:56Z

There's no use to complain
Or start it off again
There's no sign of weakness in me
Do I compel you like you compel me?
And nothing stays the same
And no one said it would
I would not think of such things if I could...
If I could help myself,
If I could

So put your warm little hands where I can see them
Put those hands on my face
Tell me you love me
And no one else
Or close those little hands
Now they're fists
Now they're little fists

Punch a hole in me with those fists
If you ever wanted to punch a hole in me
And find out what's in me
There's really nothing in me

And nothing stays the same
And nothing ever happens to you that will happen to you again
Or is this the way it was?
Was it this same room, this same fight, this same scene?
With us dancing on the kitchen floor
And the wind climbing in through the open window

I used to hear distant cracks out in the city night
I could swear some one was being shot down
Now we hear that all the time...

So do you like where we're headed?
Does it make sense in your eyes?
Do you miss me, baby, when I fall asleep?
Do you reach out for my arm?
Do you find it's too far away?
Do you?

Now tell me I'm handsome
I will tell you we are really not old at all
There's no use to complain

Still you and no one else

So put your warm little hands where I can see them
Put those hands on my face
Now if you get any out of this
Then that's the thing that makes me sleep all day
And I'll explain my love for you
On another day

+++

I wish I was a lyricist and I could write music to explain my moods everyday, but I am not, so I will use other people's. My moods have been changing like the weather, sunny one day, and cloudy the next. Everything in my life is as in-constant as weather,

I wish I had someone to be with today, all I really want is to go out and walk around, and talk to someone. I don't know who I can talk to anymore. I rely on other people for much of my happiness. I keep pushing my mother away, I think I take out most of my anger on her, she doesn't necessarily deserve everything I spew at her. I would try and be nicer, but I just dont have any tolerance for her.

I don't know what I am going to do anymore with anything. I will just try and live as happy a life I can in the time given to me..

I never really quite understood why people feel they need to be 'famous' or 'be remembered'. When I am dead, I will be dead, I am sure my corpse could really care less if people go and put flowers above it, or talk about it. I will be food for the worms and insects. I just want to be happy while I am alive. Now.

Everyone is just trying so hard to find themselves, not everyone finds them selves. People are just people, you can't just put them all in any category. Trying to be different is a waste of time, because everyone is already different. Maybe we aren't as different as we think. Maybe we are all copies of copies. Maybe I just don't judge anyone.

My brain is slowing drifting.. I hate when my thoughts are not complete.

I think I am going to sit in my large green chair, listening to every muse album, and staring at this monitor for the rest of my life. It is quite possible that I would be in better physical shape if I had more than two friends.

I hate when you are on AIM and so is somone that you really want to talk to, but you just wait for them to IM you, because you don't want to IM them first, then they end up signing off. yeah, I wonder if they are ever waiting for you to IM them and you don't, and that's why they sign off.

casual_amnesia @ 2005-04-13T21:12:00

2005-04-14T04:14:07Z

New screenname : ready inoculate

casual_amnesia @ 2005-04-10T19:37:00

2005-04-11T02:41:11Z

Sometimes I wish that the god of my people would come to me, in the form of a burning bush and tell me what to do with my life. I'm just nothing. I don't know what to do ever. All I ever have are thoughts and constant day-dreaming is getting me no where.

feeling empty.

casual_amnesia @ 2005-04-08T20:17:00

2005-04-09T03:27:30Z

I Just found these today, and I thought I would share, so this is for all of you Radiohead fans out there.
The Ether Festival: March 27, 2005.

Audio files. [ Mp3 ]

JONNY GREENWOOD - SMEAR.

RADIOHEAD - ARPEGGI.

RADIOHEAD - WHERE BLUE BIRDS FLY.

Videos.

RADIOHEAD - ARPEGGI.

RADIOHEAD - WHERE BLUE BIRDS FLY.

THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.